Things I Miss & Things I Love

I think one of the strangest parts of having a child is realizing that nothing stays little forever. You’re constantly saying goodbye to one version of them while getting to meet the next. And sometimes, you’re missing something they used to do while simultaneously falling in love with something completely new about them.

There are things I miss about the little versions of Talullah, and there are things about this version of her that I absolutely love.

I miss her tiny voice.

Just recently, I went back and watched some videos from about a year ago, and I heard her little voice. It was SO tiny. So squeaky. I genuinely couldn’t believe how much her voice has changed in just a year. She talks so much more now. She’s louder. She has opinions. She can tell you exactly what she wants and, more importantly, she can advocate for herself. I’m incredibly proud of that, but I definitely miss that tiny little voice.

At the same time, I love the way she talks now. Especially the way she says certain words. For example, lullah doesn’t say “syrup.” She says “seerbub.” And I think it is absolutely adorable. Honestly, I would love to get a tiny tattoo of a maple syrup bottle with the label written exactly the way she says it. Because I know one day she’ll pronounce it correctly, and I’ll probably be sitting there wishing I could hear the little version again.

I miss some of the things she used to do when she was smaller, but I love watching her become more independent.

She has little chores now, which is both hilarious and adorable. Every morning, one of the first things she says is, “Oh! I gotta feed Maze. Let Maze outside.” So she feeds Maze and lets her outside to potty.

She loves helping us cook, especially if there is something she can mix. If we’re in the kitchen, she wants to know what we’re making and whether she can help. She likes “washing” dishes with us, which really means she is playing in a sink full of water while we actually wash the dishes and put everything in the dishwasher. But you know what? She’s helping. (In her own way) 

She loves helping with laundry, too. She’ll help load it, unload it, carry things around, and generally make us feel like we have a very tiny assistant following us around the house. (So helpful at 32 weeks pregnant)

And we love it.

I also love watching her learn through us. Children are little mirrors. They pick up on everything, the phrases you say, the way you react, the way you take care of people, the things you do without even thinking about them.

A few days ago, I was in the bathroom with her while she was taking a bath, and she was doing her baby doll’s hair. She kept saying, “Alright, alright. I’m almost finished. It’s okay.” Then she would pretend to be the baby and say, “Ow, ow!” And immediately she would switch back and say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

And I just sat there like… oh my gosh. That’s Me.

That is literally the process of me doing her hair. She says “ow,” i apologize. She says “ow,” i tell her I’m  almost finished. She says “ow,” i tell her to hold on one more second. And now she’s doing the exact same thing with her baby doll.

It was so sweet.

She’s  officially entered the pretend-play stage, and I LOVE it. She can have conversations between two dolls, make one doll walk around the house and do things, and give them little personalities, little problems, and little conversations. And as someone who played with dolls until I was basically thirteen, I am SO excited for this era of motherhood. I feel like I’ve been waiting for it.

I love how expressive she is, too. She really loves to play, and she can be surprisingly content just being in her own little world. At home, especially, she can disappear into her room and play by herself. Or if we’re in the living room doing something, she’ll come hang out nearby with her own toys and activities.

She doesn’t always need us to entertain her. She just likes being around us. And there is something really special about that.

But my absolute favorite thing she’s been doing lately is at bedtime.

We’ve been struggling a little with getting her down lately, so we decided that instead of sitting in her room until she falls asleep, we’re going to start giving her the opportunity to actually put herself to sleep. So we do our routine: nightlight on, sound machine on, kisses, goodnight, and then we leave.

The door stays open as long as she is quiet and staying in bed. If she starts crying or whining, we close the door and reinforce the boundary that it is bedtime. Crying or whining isn’t going to get her out of bedtime. Obviously, if she is actually unwell or it escalates into a full tantrum, we go in, calm her down, and remind her again that it’s bedtime. But we aren’t going back into her room every single time she makes a noise. We’re trying to give her the space to learn that she is capable of settling herself and falling asleep independently.

And lately? She’s been getting out of bed, grabbing a book from her bookshelf, getting back into bed, and just… reading. Or, more accurately, looking at the pictures and making up her own little story.

Sometimes I’ll peek my head into her room and she’s just quietly sitting there with a book, completely content. And eventually she falls asleep, sometimes with the book still in her bed.

And I just think… who gave you permission to grow up?

Because wasn’t I just rocking you to sleep? Wasn’t I just watching you learn how to crawl? Wasn’t your voice just that tiny little squeak?

And now you’re in your room, independently flipping through books, playing with dolls, feeding Maze, helping us cook, and telling us exactly what you think. You’re becoming a little person.

And while I’m so excited to meet the next version of you, I also want to hold onto this one for just a little longer.

I miss the tiny voice. I miss the little wobbly stages. I miss the baby versions of the things she does now.

But I love the little girl she is becoming.

I love the funny pronunciations. I love the pretend conversations. I love the tiny chores. I love watching her learn to take care of things. I love watching her mimic us without even realizing it. I love that she can play independently but still wants to be near us. I love watching her become more confident, expressive, opinionated, and independent.

Maybe that’s the beautiful part of parenthood. You don’t get to keep them little, but you get to keep meeting new versions of them.

So yes, I’ll miss the little things.

But I’m also really, really loving the little girl she is right now.

And right now, we’re lucky enough to be living it.