Marriage in the Trenches of Parenthood

They say marriage takes work, but no one really prepares you for how much harder that work feels once kids enter the picture. Suddenly, it’s not just two people learning to love each other well; it’s two people trying to keep a toddler alive, juggling endless responsibilities, and still finding time to remember why they fell in love in the first place. 

The Shift:

Before Talullah was born, marriage felt different. It was late-night talks, road trips, and arguing over what to eat for dinner just because we could. After becoming parents, the conversations shifted to nap schedules, grocery lists, and who would handle bath time. Add Luke’s National Guard commitments into the mix, and suddenly I was solo parenting some weekends or weeks at a time, juggling everything while missing him. Parenthood didn’t just change our routines; it forced us to face the reality that marriage doesn’t pause when life gets hard. It stretches, it bends, and sometimes it nearly breaks. We are in year 5 and really feeling the shift.

The Hard Stuff:

If I’m honest, our marriage has been tested in ways I never expected. We’ve both fallen short. We’ve had moments where we snapped at each other out of exhaustion and let small frustrations grow into big arguments. There have been nights I’ve wondered if we were still on the same page, and moments when the weight of solo parenting left me feeling bitter. Luke has carried his own burdens, balancing the military and family life, sometimes shutting down when I needed him most. Parenthood has a way of stripping away the illusions of showing you not just who your partner is, but who you are, and sometimes, who you wish you weren’t.

And if I’m being really vulnerable, I’ve slammed doors. We’ve gone to bed angry. I’ve rolled my eyes instead of listening. We’ve had fights that ended in silence because neither of us had the energy to fix it that night. These are the messy parts we don’t often say out loud, but they’re real and they’re part of the trenches.

The Good Stuff:

But here’s the thing: love doesn’t disappear in the trenches, it deepens. We’ve learned that love isn’t just in the highlight reels, it’s in the apologies, the trying again, the showing up even after you’ve fallen short. It’s Luke bringing me Red Bull after a long day, or me making space for him to breathe after a long drill weekend. It’s laughing together over something silly Talullah does, even in the middle of chaos. The trenches are where we’ve realized that love is less about grand gestures and more about daily choosing.

Choosing Each Other:

Marriage in parenthood requires being purposeful, and for us, it’s been about rediscovering who we are now, not who we were before Talullah. It means admitting when we’re wrong, forgiving quickly, and learning to let go of the version of marriage we thought we’d have so we can embrace the one we’re building. Some days, that looks like date nights and tenderness. Other days, it looks like survival mode and messy grace. But either way, it’s a choice. And every day, we keep choosing each other. Even after slammed doors. Even after silence. Even after the nights we fall short.

Closing Thought:

The trenches are not glamorous. They’re raw, stretching, and full of hard truths. But they are also holy. Because in the trenches, you don’t just find out who your spouse is, you find out who you are, and who you’re becoming together. At the end of the day, it’s not about waiting for life to calm down so marriage can thrive again. It’s about letting marriage grow stronger right here, in the chaos, the conflict, the confessions, and the choosing. 

Today's challenge: text your spouse today. "I thank God for you," pray together, or if that feels hard right now, just openly pray for your spouse. Cover them in grace, speak life over them, and invite God into the mess and the beauty of where you are.