Revisiting Postpartum

My daughter will turn three on October 10th, and I’m currently 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our second baby girl. Because I’ve had more free time lately to create content and post online, I’ve found myself connecting with so many new moms, especially women in those fresh postpartum months.

And honestly, one of the most unexpected parts of all of this has been looking back.

These moms ask me questions about postpartum, breastfeeding, body changes, anxiety, marriage, identity, all of it, and suddenly I’m sitting there trying to remember what those first few months actually felt like for me.

The truth is, postpartum did not look the way I expected it to.

Most of my expectations came from social media, movies, labor classes, and other women’s experiences. I expected postpartum depression. I expected hair loss. I expected to completely lose myself.

But personally, I didn’t experience postpartum the way I thought I would.

I never really dealt with postpartum hair loss or postpartum depression, but I did struggle with postpartum anxiety and postpartum rage.

The anxiety honestly didn’t hit me until we got home from the hospital.

Suddenly everything felt dangerous.

I was terrified of dropping her. Terrified something would happen while driving. I remember sitting in the car thinking, “What if we get into an accident and I can’t get her out of her car seat fast enough?” Even simple things suddenly felt terrifying because now I had someone depending on me for survival.

And what made it harder was how vivid those thoughts felt.

I later read that postpartum anxiety can cause your brain to imagine terrible situations in extreme detail almost as a protective instinct. Your brain is trying to prepare you for danger, even if the danger is unlikely. Once I learned that, I stopped feeling so crazy for the thoughts I was having.

I held her tighter.

I drove slower in the rain.

And honestly, I think a little bit of that anxiety never fully leaves you once you become a mother.

Now postpartum rage was different.

For me, it wasn’t rage toward my daughter. It was frustration with how quickly my entire life changed overnight.

I wouldn’t say I was unprepared for motherhood physically, but emotionally? Absolutely.

I had so much emotional maturing left to do, and honestly, I’ve done a lot of that maturing over the last two and a half years.

But in those beginning days, everything felt heightened.

I found myself feeling envious of my spouse sometimes. He could leave the house freely while I felt like I had to ask permission to shower or go to the store alone. Looking back now, it wasn’t really him doing something wrong. It was that we were both adjusting to new roles and trying to figure out balance while completely exhausted.

And to be fair, some of my lack of freedom was also my own choice.

Breastfeeding was deeply important to me. Staying home with my daughter was deeply important to me. I chose those things willingly and I would choose them again. I ended up breastfeeding for 15 months and I’m incredibly grateful for that experience.

But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.

There’s a strange loneliness that can come with being needed every second of the day, even when it’s something beautiful.

I also had a lot of anxiety about being seen in public as a new mom.

If my baby cried in the store, I immediately felt overwhelmed. I worried people were judging me or thinking I didn’t know what I was doing. Going shopping alone with a newborn felt impossible sometimes because I was constantly waiting for something to go wrong.

But eventually, I realized I needed to force myself out of the house.

I could not sit inside my apartment all day with my newborn baby.

So we started going places.

We attended mommy and me classes twice a week. We went on walks. We visited family members. If someone was off work, we’d go spend time at their house. And honestly, those little moments saved me more than I realized at the time.

Not because I needed people to constantly help me with my baby, but because I needed human connection.

I think people hear “it takes a village” and assume it only means needing physical help, but sometimes the village is simply other adults reminding you that you still exist outside of motherhood.

Being around people helped me feel human again.

And one thing I’ve learned from talking with so many postpartum moms lately is how guilty women feel for needing space sometimes.

Some women feel guilty sitting in another room while their spouse comforts the baby.

Some feel guilty taking a long shower.

Some feel guilty shopping alone.

Some feel guilty wanting thirty uninterrupted minutes to themselves.

But mothers are still people.

You do not stop being human because you became someone’s mother.

When it comes to my physical postpartum journey, I know people are curious because my body changed pretty quickly after birth. Before pregnancy, I weighed around 140 pounds. By delivery, I was around 190.

A few months later, maybe around six months postpartum, I was back around 140 again.

But it wasn’t because I was dieting or intensely working out.

Honestly, I was breastfeeding and eating Oreos at four in the morning almost every night.

I do think breastfeeding played a role in my weight loss, but I also think I was just constantly active. I walked everywhere with my daughter. I baby wore constantly. If I was cleaning, cooking, shopping, or doing chores, she was usually strapped to my body.

And honestly, I loved it.

Even now, before I found out I was pregnant again, I was still carrying my toddler around in a back carrier because she still fit comfortably.

But I also think part of “feeling like yourself again” postpartum has very little to do with weight.

You have to actively reclaim pieces of yourself.

No one hands your identity back to you after birth.

Not your spouse.

Not your family.

Not even your child.

You have to remember who you are and intentionally return to the things that make you feel alive outside of motherhood.

For me, that looked like leaving milk at home so I could go shopping alone sometimes. It looked like taking long showers. Sitting in another room watching TV by myself. Going to mommy and me classes. Leaving the house even when anxiety told me not to.

Because motherhood should not require women to completely disappear.

And when I talk about reclaiming yourself postpartum, I don’t mean abandoning motherhood or loving your children any less.

I mean going to girls’ nights.

Going on dates with your spouse without the baby.

Taking trips sometimes.

Going to the spa.

Shopping alone.

Sitting quietly in another room for thirty uninterrupted minutes if that’s what you need.

Those things matter.

And honestly, I think one of the biggest mistakes women make postpartum is believing they are no longer allowed to exist outside of motherhood.

You absolutely can be obsessed with being a mom. I know I am. Motherhood is one of the greatest joys of my life, and I genuinely love being a mother. But I also know that one day my children will grow up. They will build lives of their own. They will leave home and become their own people.

And when that day comes, I don’t want to look back and realize I completely abandoned myself along the way.

I want to say that even while raising my children, I still lived too.

I still experienced things.

I still nurtured my marriage.

I still laughed with friends.

I still took care of myself as a person, not just as a mother.

Because I’m in my twenties living life for the first time too.

There are experiences I want to have that have nothing to do with being irresponsible or “escaping” motherhood. I simply enjoy things that remind me who I am outside of it.

And I honestly believe that remembering yourself is one of the first steps to not completely losing yourself in postpartum.

Also, don’t forget about your spouse in those early stages.

They are learning too.

They are becoming parents for the first time too.

They are adjusting and trying their best just like you are.

And at the end of the day, your children will not remember whether the house was perfectly clean every single day.

They will not remember if you had acne.They will not remember if your hair was brushed or if you lost the baby weight quickly.

They will remember feeling loved.

They will remember laughter.

They will remember family movie nights, walks, cuddles, traditions, and feeling safe in your home.

That is what matters most. ♥️