I’m Such a Chill Girl (Except I’m Not)

 

I like to tell people I’m chill. Easygoing. The kind of person who just rolls with things. But let’s be honest, I’m not. Not even close. I want to be, I really do, but it takes one tiny thing for me to remember that I am, in fact, a deeply sensitive, easily overstimulated human being who probably needs a nap and a soundproof room.

If you say you’ll text me back and you don’t, I will absolutely notice. I’ll smile and say, “oh it’s fine,” but deep down I’m writing a short novel in my head called How Hard Is It to Reply? If I do something kind and you don’t acknowledge it, my whole mood starts to melt away like an ice cream cone in a toddler’s hands. (Somehow it melts faster for children lol)

Then there’s my daily life. Motherhood, marriage, survival. My daughter is the love of my life and also the reason I have noise-canceling headphones on my Christmas list. My husband opens a bag of chips during a movie like he’s auditioning for a sound effects job, and suddenly I need to go sit in silence for twenty minutes….movie time over! He’s rubbing my arm sweetly while we’re cuddling, and instead of thinking “aww,” I’m thinking, “if he doesn’t move that hand in the next five seconds, I might combust.”

Even board games. I love board games, but if you take too long on your turn, I’m done. I will mentally retire from game night and never play with you again. I can’t help it. I need momentum. I need focus. I need you to care about the strategy as much as I do. (Though that’s my own unrealistic expectation of people) 

The funny thing is, I don’t actually lose my cool. I don’t yell, I don’t throw things, I don’t make a scene. I just quietly spiral, rant to my best friend or my husband later, and swear I’m going to be more chill next time. Spoiler: I never am, and sometimes it’s hard to hide it especially because I wear my heart on my sleeves!

But here’s the redeeming part. I’m not chill, but I am comforting. I’ll bring you soup when you’re sick. I’ll listen to your rants like it’s my part-time job. I’ll pray for you and mean it. I just might also silently judge your board game etiquette while doing it.

I think that’s okay though. I think being “chill” isn’t about never being bothered. It’s about knowing what sets you off and handling it with a little humor and grace. I’m learning to laugh at myself, to admit that I’m not as easygoing as I’d like to think, and to find peace in the fact that I’m still growing.

So yeah, I’m a chill girl, just with conditions.

What about you? Be honest. What’s your “I swear I’m chill but actually not chill at all” thing? Comment it, text it to your best friend, or just admit it to yourself. We’re all a little un-chill sometimes.